my sister-in-law e-mailed this to me. pretty funny:
If I was Santa...
It's May, and Santa's finally getting around to answering his e-mail from last Xmas...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
--------
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f****** book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
--------
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
--------
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
--------
Dear Teddy,
What and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
--------
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f****** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
--------
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
--------
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the s**** and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-a$$? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
--------
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing ****tail waitresses' a$$es, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
--------
Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year, Please please please please PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
--------
Timmy,
That whiney begging s*** may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
--------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
--------
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting you’re a$$ whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
------------------
"it's easier to stay out than get out"
If I was Santa...
It's May, and Santa's finally getting around to answering his e-mail from last Xmas...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
--------
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f****** book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
--------
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
--------
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
--------
Dear Teddy,
What and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
--------
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f****** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
--------
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
--------
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the s**** and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-a$$? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
--------
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing ****tail waitresses' a$$es, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
--------
Dear Jessica,
Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
--------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year, Please please please please PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
--------
Timmy,
That whiney begging s*** may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
--------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
--------
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting you’re a$$ whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
------------------
"it's easier to stay out than get out"
